What was missing? Why I think this didn't work in the past... #weightloss

I had been in denial about my ever expanding waistline for a very long time. Sure I knew I was overweight, and I did diet here and there for a few weeks. But I always gave up somewhere along the line. No matter what the excuse, I always gave up.

Last February, it got so bad that I was missing out on life. I wanted someone to blame my doctor seemed like a great choice. In a lot of ways, that was how my weight loss journey began. But after the initial anger faded, I began to realize that my doctor was actually incredibly helpful and not at all the enemy I had made her into.

I'd like to say that I continued through sheer determination at that point, but I didn't. My motivation was all but gone and it wasn't long before I began to re-gain the weight I had lost.

I had a choice to make then: Do I face this, or give up again? I decided that making any choice was better than making no choice at all. No matter what I decided, the results would be my own. No more pointing fingers, no fad diets or magic beans, and no more excuses. If I failed, it would be MY failure, and if I succeeded it would be MY success.

So I took some time to really look at my life. I had to decide what I really wanted. Not what society said, and not what the doctor wanted... Did I really even want to lose weight?

It may seem like a silly question, especially from someone so overweight that there were noticeable negative impacts on my daily life and my health. But people get comfortable where they are, and choosing to leave that comfort isn't easy. I was comfortable. I had been overweight for all of my adult life and I wasn't sure what losing weight would mean.  Was I ready?

I think that was the key. That is what I was always missing. The choice! It had to be mine, and it had to be made. Otherwise I'd end up feeling like I had no control over it. It is far too easy to feel like a victim when you never make a choice. Well, victim time is over!

I would do this. But not like I did before. Gone are the days of following along like a mindless zombie. I would do this, but I would do it my way, and on my terms! 

Almost in ONEderland!! #weightloss

Despite the fact that I chose to skip the gym yesterday, this morning my scale gifted me with the number 200.9!

Now for most people that would be depressing, I understand this. But for me this is awesome!

I started this journey at just over 265 pounds and I felt awful. Now, I'm  feeling way better, my clothes not only fit better... I've had to change my wardrobe! I went from a size 24/26 to a size 16/18 and I gotta say, it feels pretty awesome!

Take that you stinking doctor! (How my weight loss journey began)

I have been on a serious weight loss journey since March of 2013. As of this mornings weigh in I have lost just over 60 pounds!

Last January, I was suffering from extreme "unexplained" fatigue. It seemed that regardless of the amount of sleep was getting I was constantly exhausted, napping every chance I got and still falling asleep every time I sat down. Outings with my family were awful! I tried to tag along but ended up needing to rest pretty often. I felt horrible. I even stopped trying to tag along for a while. Missing out on family time was better (in my opinion at the time) than holding them back or embarrassing them. But missing out on life had just made it so that I was tired, lonely, and depressed. In early March, I finally went to see the doctor.


I knew, of course, that I was overweight. I was tipping the scales at a whopping 265 with a BMI of 44.2. So it wasn't news to me when the doctor said I was obese. Nor was it a surprise when I got the standard lecture about obesity and recommendations to lose weight. At the time, I dismissed it as just another doctor unwilling to look past my enormity to tell me what was really wrong. Oh, I knew that I needed to drop some pounds, but as anyone who has ever been overweight can tell you, after a while it seems like a doctor cop-out when you hear that. So they ran some basic tests, took some of my blood, and sent me on my way.

Two weeks later, having changed nothing and still feeling awful, I got the bill. I was pissed. "They want money for that! They didn't do shit!" "I'm still sleeping everywhere..." etc. You name it, I yelled it. "They think it's because I'm fat, they didn't even bother looking at anything else! Friggen doctors!" I thought, "I'll show those bastards!"

And so began my weight loss journey...

I was determined to prove my doctor wrong. I was going to make it my mission to lose whatever weight I could so that at my follow up I could go in, still feeling like crap, and shove it it their know-it-all faces!

When it was time for my next appointment, I had lost 10 pounds. I was still tired but reluctantly had to admit that it was getting better. I was further proven wrong when my doctor patiently went over all of the other things they checked for. Everything was normal, except something called TSH. Mine was high, just a little though. Sub-clinical hypothyroid they called it. Bad enough to cause symptoms but usually not bad enough to medicate. So off I went yet again with some nutrition advice and a bill. I should have been happy to be feeling a little better and grateful that they had taken the time to counsel me on nutrition and exercise, but instead I was furious and feeling like they did nothing yet again.

Doubly determined this time, I lost another 15 pounds! By the 2nd follow up, I had a new problem. While I was still super tired all day, I could not sleep at night. I had researched this sub-clinical hypothyroid stuff too and was interested in taking a low dose of hormone replacement therapy. This time I left the office with a prescription for a thyroid medication and advice on sleep hygiene. And the journey continued.

Looking back, I see how silly it was of me to feel like that prescription was some kind of prize. My doctor, in her defense, is actually quite wonderful. She took my anger and frustration in stride and continued gently insisting on weight loss throughout my journey. I actually look forward to my appointments now, knowing that I will get good advice from an intelligent and caring medical professional.

I wasn't really angry with her anyway. I was angry that someone was making me look at the ugly truth. I was obese. I was sick. And I did it to myself. There was no magic pill to fix it, no combination of berries or juices that would magically take away years of laying around and overeating. The only way to feel better was to change. And change is scary. But in my situation, change was necessary.

The medication did help to some degree, but admittedly, as the weight came off I was feeling better and better. What started as an "I'll show you!" journey, has become a "look at me go!" one.

To be honest, I never really expected to make it this far but I am so glad I have!

I still don't exercise as much as I need to, and I sometimes eat more than I should (especially if there are cookies involved), but no matter what, I keep trying. Every day I wake up and look at how far I have come and that, more than anything else, is what motivates me to continue.